April 4, 2004
Now that I’ve realized my phenotype, I find myself at a crossroads.
I know its a point where there’s supposed to be no turning back, but I
dont even see the roads before me. So that’s where I stand, a place
where I’m sure that alot of you may have been as well, in the same
blindness to the paths that go in every direction from where you’re
standing.
The issue at hand: well, I’ve realized my phenotype, as you may know.
Soooo, that’s it?
Is that all, just realizing that you have a skin that lies dormant
under your skin? An underskin that is unwilling to show itself to you,
no matter how much by any means you try to arouse it to life?
Or is it a skin that is patiently waiting for something or someone else
to awaken it, something that you haven’t tried or are unwilling to try
at the moment.
If there is such a process, are you willing to try it, even at your own
hurt? Will it require some sacrifices of your own part? Are you willing
to make such sacrifices, no matter what or who they affect, for better
or for worse?
What lengths will you go to in order for that second skin, that
change, to even think of coming out? And when it does come out, how
will it be? Painful? Calm? Just plain strange? Will it even be worth it
to go the length you went, that sacrifice(s) you made, to actually
experience it?
Or will you feel ambivalent toward actually taking that step and back
out? And if that happens, will you have no future regrets, or will you
spend the rest of your life pondering over what could/would/should have
been? How far will such thoughts drive you, torment you? Back to the
crossroads to face that decision again, this time with a different
reaction or answer than the last time, or closer into insanity?
I think of such questions as I stand at the crossroads. I wish to go
blindly forward, and say, “screw it all”, but my conscience calls me to
the past and what happened to me back then; the present with what I am
faced with now in the mundane; the future with its uncertainty.
There are so many roads before me, I’m sure. Yet there are just
as many questions that continue to plague me, blind me to the open
roads. I wait for that day when the second skin I possess, that of the
snow leopard which I desire to know, will show itself, I sure do.
But with so many questions blinding me, and so many roads, so many
options, so many possibilities, so many consequences, I gradually lose
myself in the madness of it all.
As a result, I still stand, even more paralyzed than before, at the crossroads.
