April 13, 2004
I have a skin, no.
Two of them, Im certain.
Two sides, even.
That of the human you and I see in the mundane, and that of the snow leopard which you and I dont.
How so?
My human skin has seen the sun, while the my furry snow leopard skin has only slept in the dark.
My human skin feels the sensations of pleasure, of pain, of simple thrill. My uncian skin has felt nothing.
My human skin can experience things of any nature, and enjoys its being refreshed repeatedly.
My uncian side, my snow leopard furskin stagnates and has stagnated to near-nothingness.
What has it felt? What has it sensed? What has it seen, heard, smelled, tasted, thought?
Now I understand the nature of it all. Now I understand why I cant have
at least a half-mentally-tangible connection, or dual nature, one to
share with both of my sides, my skins.
That’s why I cant even m-shift…
And realizing that only makes my situation worse.
Why did this happen?!
Man, if I had the chance, I would do the best I can to awaken my uncian
side out of its coma. Pull it out of its stagnation. Give it a shot of
speed and a slap in the face, tell it to wake up, dont die on me now.
I would leave this hot, stagnant land in the South and flee on foot to
cold, cold Ontario, and then expose myself to the elements, the
environment that a snow leopard would be familiar with.
I would bend myself backwards, and I dont know how far, just to stir my
uncian side out of its long coma, just to make contact with it for once
in my life.
Just to know that its alive, if not necessarily kicking.
I hate myself for it, having not taken some similar recourse like the
aforementioned, not trying my best to awaken my snow leopard side.
I try to make a connection only now. But I should have started when I
was young. I didnt know about it, I didnt know any thing about it.
But now I only have myself to blame, I have only myself to hate.
I didnt give myself a chance, and now I cant m-shift, let alone p-shift.
If I have a chance like that again, to rectify what I didnt do, I’ll take as much advantage of it as much as possible.
I want so desperately to come into contact with my uncia side. I desire
to pull him out of his quicksand of stagnation, and give him something
which could arouse him out of his long, quiet dormancy.
If that happens, then where do I go from there? M-shift? P-shift? Dual Nature? There are so many possibilities…
